(theme music playing )
Announcer: From New York City,
It's "The Chris Rock Show!"
Tonight, the Reverend Al Sharpton.
Musical guest, Mary J. Blige.
Plus, musical director, Grandmaster Flash.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris Rock!
Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Enough.
Thank you. ( laughs )
Thank you, thanks, thanks for coming to the show.
Thank you very much.
Welcome to "The Chris Rock Show,"
we're all here, okay.
Okay, let's see...
all right.
All right! All right.
The Al B. Sure! concert is next week.
Let's see what happened this week.
Let's see, it was a crazy week--
a white Long lsland teenager committed suicide--
anybody hear about this one?
He wanted to die,
by charging at the cops with a toy gun
and tricking them into shooting him.
Now, in a related case, a black teenager
tricked the police into shooting him
by stepping his black ass outside.
What else happened? More news, did y'all hear about the...
13 year old girl--
13 year old sister
Is being held for murdering a cab driver.
See? See? See?
You thought it was hard to get a cab before.
"l ain't pickin' up y'all murderers!"
Her mother refuses to take any blame, you know?
She's like, "Hey, I told my daughter
no murderin' until you're 18."
What else is going on?
In a recent survey-- I saw this in the paper--
uh, 89% of black teenagers say
that racism has little impact on their daily lives.
89%!
Now, the remaining 11%
didn't respond to the survey
because they were too busy taking plungers out they ass.
You see, they deal with racism, shit.
Now, after-- after being set free,
British nanny, Louise Woodward,
was asked, what is she gonna do next?
So she said, "Hey, I'm going to Disneyland
to kill some more kids."
And they got lot of kids there, see?
Now, this...
this week in lowa, in lowa, you know,
a woman gave birth to septuplets.
Septuplets! Seven kids.
Seven kids, man.
You know, and there was a nice moment during the delivery
when one of the black doctors who delivered the babies
told this white woman,
"l wish you people, would use birth control."
Now, after the birthing, after the whole thing,
Procter & Gamble announced they're gonna give the parents of the babies
a lifetime supply of Pampers.
You know what? They're gonna need a lifetime supply of Pampers,
cause when they add up all the bills
from raising seven kids at one time,
they're gonna shit in their pants.
What else happened this week, this week uh...
the movie-- anybody's seen the Don King movie?
- Audience: Yeah. - Yeah.
Don King movie, "Only in America" premiered on HBO.
You know, you learned a lot about Don in the movie.
You know what I learned? I learned how he kept his hair up.
- ( audience laughs ) - Flubber.
Put a little flubber in it gets it right.
Now what else happened? Jack Benny, J.B.,
uh, Jack Benny-- ( laughs )
Jack Benny's violin sold at an auction in London.
For $85,000. 85 Gs...
now in a related story,
Phillip Michael Thomas pawned one of his pink "Miami Vice" blazers
for $2.95.
Times is hard.
He should've known. He's a psychic, right?
And...
( laughs )
I see a bad show. Yeah.
And finally, on "Oprah" this week,
Janet Jackson-- yes, Janet--
Oprah-- Janet, better known as J.J.,
uh, said, she suffered from depression for two years
and that she takes coffee enemas
to get rid of sad cells.
Boy, you've got to be real depressed
to put some cappuccino up your ass.
Yo, we've got a great show for you tonight.
Yo, give it up for the one, the only, Grandmaster Flash,
- ( scratching ) - ( cheering )
and Buddy Budman.
Now, we have a new segment on the show.
It's called "Shame on You."
Where we here at "the Chris Rock Show,"
target people who've been unfair to consumers.
Now right now I'd like to show you
the very first installment
of "Shame on You." Take a look.
- ( comical music playing ) - Woman: Shame on you, shame on you!
Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame on you!
Shame on you, shame on you!
Na-na-na-na, shame on you!
Hi, I'm here with Bill Thomas,
And he claims that he tried to go to White Castle the other day,
only to be told that he had to buy a ticket. Is that right, Bill?
Yeah, I couldn't believe it.
I've never heard of anyone selling a ticket to White Castle before.
It cost me $48
and the burger was only 43¢.
Ooh, God--
Now, could you tell us how that happened?
Well, I was going into a White Castle,
when...
I wasn't sure if they were open.
So I asked the fellow who was standing there.
The man said they were open, but I had to buy a ticket.
Anyway, I gave him $48
and he just gave me a scrap of paper
and told me to go in.
You've got to go right in, you know,
cause you don't want to be late. Okay, enjoy yourself.
Jesus! ( chuckles )
That's terrible, Bill, just terrible.
Yes, I think it's unfair for White Castle to be selling tickets
when you're already paying for the food.
It's not like you get to see a show or anything.
You know, we asked some people how they felt about your case, Bill.
Ma'am, what do you think of White Castle selling tickets to get inside?
White Castle don't sell tickets, it's free to go in there.
Whoever told you that is just an idiot.
Is it true that it costs $48 to get into White Castle?
Of course not. That would be retarded.
Well now, it's time for us to say,
Shame on you, Bill Thomas, for wasting our time.
Woman: Shame on you, shame on you, shame, shame, shame!
Well, that's all for "Shame on You" this week,
We'll see you later.
Na-na-na-na, shame on you!
Shame on you, shame on you, shame!
Hey, my guest tonight most recently ran
in the democratic primary for Mayor of New York City
and has been preaching the Gospel since he was four years old.
Please welcome the Reverend Al Sharpton.
( audience cheering )
- How're you? - All right.
( audience chanting ) Go Rev! Go Rev!
- I love it. - I do too.
I love it, I love it, I love it,
now, I've done jokes about you in the past,
so now, hey, y'know--
- I got, I got-- - I'm here tonight. Say it to my face.
I got to eat, Al. I am. Hey hey hey.
But you know, after I saw you--
you know, I saw you speak a couple of times
in the whole primary thing and I said--
motherfucker says that the people are voting for Al Sharpton.
Okay... maybe I've judged Al wrong
and I've judged him harshly
and I'm like uh...
cause you almost won the democratic--
you almost got the nomination.
Now, what I'm getting ready to say may sound bold,
but it seems like you're like a haircut
and an apology away from getting the nomination.
You're like...
I'm saying, like in a cool-- you know what I mean?
Well, for you, that's a compliment.
No, no, I'm saying--
( stuttering ) do you think you're like--
cause you know you came close.
Now what did you think you had to do to
- you know, to make the jump. - I should've--
I should've done "The Chris Rock Show" before the primary.
Yeah, that would've helped.
That would've def--
that would have definitely helped.
I think so, but I mean, you know,
I think the fact that I ran
with less that $180,000 and came so close
to people who spent 20 times more, I think we did a great job.
- You-- - ( audience cheering )
people look at you in a whole--
people look at you in a whole other light.
Well, not everybody, you know,
people write a lot about how I was beginning to...
uh, a large segment of the white community was looking at me differently,
so I was going to see my lawyer one day,
Michael Hardy, he's got an office on 57th street,
I got out of the elevator, this old white lady was coming down the hall
and you know, I'm getting used to all this new acceptance,
so she looks up at me and she says, "Sharpton?" I say, "Yes, Ma'am."
She says, "You bastard."
So I still got a little work to do.
( laughing )
And I quote, I don't curse like you, Chris, in fact, I meant to tell you
- I'm sorry, Reverend. - Yeah, I know.
I've noticed you cussing--
I notice you got messy with Jesse, so I'm letting you know--
Messy with Jesse?
It was weird, now, now, Je-- now
you can't talk to you without mentioning the hair, okay?
- Yeah. - Now...
Most folks with no hair always talk about my hair.
( chuckles ) Well, I've got a little some.
- Oh? - A little somethin'.
I don't have like the George Jefferson thing happening.
Now, okay, I'm like-- I read your book,
you're like, "l ain't changing the hair for nobody."
Now like, Jesse's your man-- I remember Jesse used to have
A big ass afro out to here,
But when Jesse said "I'm gonna run for president,"
He said, okay, let's get it--
Let's get it down in presidential length.
But Jesse didn't win either, so why should I try?
( stammering ) Oh so you're like...
Iet me put it this way-- anybody that would decide
on who's gonna run their life based on how they comb their hair,
Is not serious to me in the first place.
You're right in theory.
But not in practice.
Right. You're absolutely right in theory, but--
- but it is business. - So, but you also must remember
that sometimes, people can do different things
because if they look at you one way
and they don't see the strength you really coming with,
Iike people looked at Don King's hair
and when they looked up he had taken over boxing.
They were looking at his hairdo and he went taking power.
You're right, but...
it is business.
And you know, people go by associations,
and you know, you want to do business, like you put--
you used to have on sweat suits too all the time.
that's right.
And I haven't seen you in a crazy sweat suits in a long time.
- Now... - Well, I tell you what--
The sweat suits and the big medallion, you said, "Hey...
I'm running for Mayor,"
and you had on pants-- Adidas-- you said,
"I'm running for Mayor I got to put on the suit."
- I always wore a suit. - You're halfway doing it.
But but but but, we'll talk about the hair thing
in the context that it is. When I was a kid,
I grew up in James Brown's house.
James Brown styled my hair like his.
He literally was like my father.
- Okay. - So--
- James Brown's your father? - was like my father.
And when you grow up in James Brown's house
and you're tight with Don King,
what I look like is normal.
I always wondered what everybody else was doing.
James Brown was your father figure?
Whoo, that was a crazy household.
We had a lot of rhythm in there.
What-- take off that sweat suit, put on a red jumpsuit
and do your splits.
Uh... ( chuckles )
so you're not changing the hair for nothing.
No.
Okay, but you know you're not gonna be the Mayor with the hair.
- I'll be the Mayor with the hair. - No, you're not.
- I will. - I bet you $1,000 right now.
I bet you the people in the audience.
A lot of-- ( laughs )
Actually you do, you could be the Mayor, 'cause chances are--
Have you seen Giuliani's hairstyle?
You're right, you're right.
He had a toupee, or he had the comb over.
Is it live or is it Memorex? That's the question.
I can't mess with you, man.
I can't mess with you on the hair--
Okay, you and-- who's gonna run with you, Snoop Dog?
There's Al and city controller Snoop Doggy Dogg.
- Okay, let me ask you this-- - And Flash.
That wasn't right, Flash, all right.
I can't-- it's not you, you represent the hair fine.
It's just the other people with the hairstyle that are messing up for you.
We trying to correct the image, you understand.
You know, you've got to go to get these pimps
and make them cut their hair off.
Then you're the only guy with the hairdo
then the hairdo has a different meaning all of a sudden.
- We will work together on that. - Yeah, yeah, you know.
So tonight we're gonna go start cutting pimps' hair.
That's right.
Cause they're messing up your chances of being mayor.
That's right.
"l could've been Mayor if you pimps would just cut your hair."
Okay...
this is great. I love it.
Okay, you are
you're like the most controversial guy
in all of politics, in all of politics.
Even the other day, you took a picture with the President.
Then like, they're mad at him for being there.
And I can tell you snuck up on him like, "Hey, get it quick."
But you know, with all of the controversy,
you know, it's really sad to me.
That you get controversial for fighting for people's rights.
I mean, I thought we were far enough in this country
where you wouldn't be controversial for doing that.
But one of the things I'm very concerned about,
now the Mayor's race is over
Is we've also got to start turning some of that attention on ourselves.
- We do. - A lot of us are killing each other.
A lot of us are being absolutely decadent
trying to say, "That's what blackness is" and that's not true.
You shouldn't say "killing each other" though, it should just be "killing."
- Killing, period. - Killing.
But each other or anybody is wrong.
Cause when you say black on black crime,
what you're saying is, "it's cool to murder people."
No, I'm saying, I didn't say black on black.
If they'd just kill some white people, it'd be all right.
Any murder is wrong, but see
one of the things we are doing is we're putting together--
Bill Stefani and I are putting together the whole thing now in the industry
to try and deal with this whole violence question and this decadence.
You know, I turn on TV late at night is unbelievable.
People get up, and I'm not talking about you,
but standup comics get up
and say "MFer this," "S this," every curse they can think of,
talk about all kinds of perverted sex acts, and then say,
"l want to say Jesus is the head of my life and good night, Mom."
I mean, there's something crazy going on.
We need to challenge those that are abusing us from outside.
We need to deal with our self respect and dignity from the inside.
Right.
You're right, you are so--
Jesse wanted to go there last week.
You're absolutely positive, but you can't get on our--
don't start blaming comedians.
No, it's not just comedians.
- But it's also-- - Comedians and rappers.
But it's also the corporate side.
Because I know of-- of good artists
that can't get contracts cause they won't curse and say certain things.
Maybe they suck.
And maybe they won't say "suck."
No... ( stammers )
nobody ever-- hey, I'm in show business too.
You know what? Clean always make more money.
- Bill Cosby has made more money... - That's true.
...than Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor combined.
- That's true. - Will Smith make more money
than every rapper out there. Clean!
Dirty get more attention, but clean always make more money.
Clean last longer.
Clean always-- I wish I was clean.
I need some of that clean money.
I wouldn't be on HBO.
But that's why-- that's why I'm trying to get you down now
while you're Chris Rock before you turn into Chris Pebble.
You think I really want to be on HBO, man?
I could be on NBC, rich as can be,
but I can't stop saying "Damn."
That's the nicest thing you've said.
But no, I think we really got to deal with that
and look, you're smart and as talented as you are.
You don't have to come out here and cuss every Friday--
- Cursing don't change nothing. - I tell you what.
- Cursing, cursing-- - You quit cursing, I cut my hair.
( audience oohing )
( audience hooting )
You ain't cutting your hair.
You ain't, you ain't cutting your hair.
And you ain't stop cussing.
We both be broke over that one.
( stammers )
I love it, getting on my cursing don't mean nothing, Al.
You're backing up now.
Cause when I say, "Hey, that's a beautiful girl,"
or I say, "Oh, that's a beautiful fucking girl,"
she's still beautiful and cursing don't mean nothin'.
Cursing don't change nothing.
It's not how you say it,
it's the message, it's the message that you bring.
Cursing don't mean nothing. Cursing--
if somebody said to you, "Your wife"--
and you are a happily married man,
if somebody said,
"Your wife is a beautiful woman,"
or "Your wife is a F-ing beautiful woman,"
don't tell me you wouldn't take it differently.
I would not, if she's still beautiful. It's not the curse.
But you would not appreciate anybody referring to her that way.
Or saying she was a "beautiful B," you wouldn't like that.
Well, "bitch" is a whole other thing.
That's a whole another thing.
But it's a curse and cursing don't mean nothing.
- Cursing means it if you-- - It's what you mean.
If you mean it as something bad, but you can mean a curse--
Who defines what they mean?
If I say, "It's a fucking nice day,"
It is a fucking nice day.
I'm keeping my hair this time.
Al, I gotta go.
- Thank you very much. - Take care of yourself.
You have been the best...
Now I want everybody to watch this.
Hi, I'm LP Bob Shumaker,
President and CEO of LP Bob's really rare record.
These records are really rare.
How rare are they? I've got the Jackson Four.
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These records are not available anywhere.
These records are my private collection and you can't have them.
That's right. They're mine and you can't have them.
You can't have them. You can't have them.
And here's some other records you'll never hear.
And if you act now, it won't help,
I plan to destroy every record I own then kill myself.
That way you'll also never hear...
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If you want more information,
call 1-500-KL5-5555
and get the Fulton Fish Market.
That's right. The Fulton Fish Market.
You think I'll give out my real number?
You can't have my real number.
Announcer: Hang up the phone, sit down and watch.
There's not a damn thing you can do.
LP Bob's Really Rare records.
Forget about 'em.
Here to perform the song "Seven Days" off her album, "Share My World,"
Give it up for Mary J. Blige.
( R&B music playing )
That's our show for tonight.
Want to thank my guest Reverend Al Sharpton
and the queen Mary J. Blige!
- Now, Flash, take us out. - ( theme music playing )
Chris: Thank you so much.
Woman: Encore! Encore!